Dealing with the Death of a Spouse

Nancy Millikin Tubbs

 

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The death of a spouse is one of the most difficult events in any person's life. Here are some of the things I learned when my husband died.
Don't leave the house too soon. I went out within a couple of weeks after my husband's death, once to eat, secondly to church a few days later. Both were in part because my mother wanted to go, but both were too soon. Don't go out just to make someone else happy, no matter how good your intentions might be. Crying in public (or even just trying not to) is never fun.
Read accounts of near death experiences online. There are lots of wonderful stories about Heaven written by people who have been there and back. I lived and breathed these stories for months after my husband died. It was one of the best things I could have done.
Reading nde's convinced me that my husband, in his current existence, is much more alive now than he ever was. My dreams continue to affirm this, even now, a year and a half later. This life is just a dream. Heaven is the reality.
Don't place blame, on yourself or anyone else. I had a tendency to blame myself, feeling that I should have somehow been able to save my husband.
But no one could have saved him. His death wasn't anyone's fault. He belonged to God, as we all do, and God took him home. When I could manage it, I let him go. I still miss him so much that it makes my heart hurt, but I have released him to God. I know beyond any doubt that he continues to exist, that he is happy and whole, and that he is never more than just a heartbeat away from me.
Write your feelings down. I've been writing all of my life, so writing it all down was natural for me. This was also one of the best things I could have done, as it helped to bring my feelings out in the open where I could deal with them. Two days after my husband's funeral, I started writing to him, and to God.
Work through your feelings by using your own experience to help others. Trying to find a way to channel one's own feelings into helping others is also a good way to deal with them. Helping to counsel others going through the same experience would be a good choice.
Relax. One of the things I learned was how to get my priorities straight. Life really isn't about things, money, jobs, houses, cars, how I look, who I know, or what other people think of me. Life is about helping, giving to, and loving other people, living in the moment, being grateful for every single day that God gives me. Life is about spirit.
If you're reading this article, and you've lost a spouse, remember that you still have things to do. That's why you're still here. The pain will get easier to bear, even if it doesn't seem like it could. Go ahead and live your life to the best of your ability. When you have the strength to do so, spread as much happiness as you can find to spread.
And remember not to sweat the small stuff. None of it is important.

How to Find Your Sense of Humor

Nancy Millikin Tubbs

 

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Sometimes, a sense of humor seems to go missing. Here are some tips on how to locate yours when you haven't seen it in a while.

Where did you last see it? Sometimes, a sense of humor can fall through a crack in the floor, just slip sliding all the way down to the ground, and then you really have to dig for it. This is especially likely after you've received a serious blow of some sort. I somehow lost mine after my husband's death, and over a year and a half later, when I wasn't even expecting it, finally found it again in Italy.
I had never been to Italy before, so I didn't realize that it had gotten that far away! Who knew?
Could someone else have taken it? This actually happens more often than you might think, especially if there's someone in your path that you're not getting along with. I had someone at Pizza Hut take mine once, simply because she didn't wait on me when I felt she was supposed to.
Took me until the next day to find it, and then I realized no one had really taken it anyway. It was just buried under my sense of self-righteous indignation. Last place I would have thought to have looked.
Could it have simply run out? This really isn't all that common, although there are times when it can feel as if it is. Life can batter away at a sense of humor until it feels as if it's just been beaten to a pulp and is beyond resuscitation. Humor is surprisingly hardy, though, and given enough time, it can, and usually will, survive. In fact, this generally tends to make a good sense of humor stronger than ever.
My advice? Take your sense of humor out and beat it silly at least once a week. Make it really strong!
Could it have gotten loose and run away? I'd have to answer "yes" to this one, because, as I said, I found mine in Italy. I don't know how it got that far away. Obviously, left to its own devices, my sense of humor just wants to play and have fun from the crack of dawn until well into the night, especially in a land where wine flows like water. This is all well and good, but somebody has to pay the bills! (I didn't say me, but obviously, somebody has to!)
My sense of humor apparently loves wine, by the way. Makes it get a little goofy. Or maybe it's always like that.
If, after all of this, you still haven't found your sense of humor, my advice would be to just relax. It'll show up when it gets ready, and probably when you least expect it.
And, possibly, at the most inappropriate of times. (Mine loves to do that!)